Watching a man's descent into madness

Self-hatred and self-loathing take over at every failure. Victories are always brief. They never last. 

For a moment things are positive. Happiness takes over. You feel like there is some kind of hope on the horizon. 

And then the world comes crashing down again. You realize that what you did to make you happy in the short-term has once again destroyed all potential for you to be happy in the long-term. You don't know how to deal with your problems and you retreat into yourself. You just want to curl up and die.

It feels like there is a lead weight on your chest. It is pressing down on you at every moment. There is a relentless beating against your mind, as if there is something embedded in your skull punishing you for your pathetic existence.

"What is the fucking point in continuing?" you ask yourself. Those periods of happiness seem so far away, even if it was merely days ago. It seems as if you will never again grasp that feeling. It is gone forever, into an abyss of self-hatred and self-loathing, the tendrils of which have wrapped themselves around your heart.

You desire vengeance, but the only one worthy of your anger is yourself. You have no one else to hate. You have made the decisions that have brought you to this point; you are solely responsible for being who you are.

And yet you had such potential. Everyone thought you could do so much, and yet here you are sitting in your office wishing for a means of escape for what your life has become.

All I want is for someone to be with me and to be happy with me.

That's a lie.

That's not all you want.

You want everything.

You want the world to bow at your feet. Or you want it to burn. There are no other options. Victory or death.

Did you think things would be solved by such a simple answer as a partner? Every time that option has appeared you have discarded the other person. There are always reasons: too stupid, too crazy, too emotional, too fucking insufficient. But are they valid?

I don't want to set the world on fire.

But I will. 

Why not? Why not set the world on fire? 

Do you think that you're special? 

Of course I don't. Of course I know that in reality I am not special. All of those things are merely in my mind. All that shit people tell me. It's all just to make me feel better. I am not a beautiful and unique fucking snowflake. If I disappeared tomorrow the world would not even shrug.

So why not let it burn?

Not even destruction would really make me feel better now.

Why not? Why can't you be happy with at least something?

I don't know. Nothing appeals to me. The weight on my chest grows ever heavier. I know that I am going to drown under its weight. My lungs will fill with water. I will look up from the depths through the fog of death and know nothing. 

Do you know what it's like to die?

No, of course not. How could I know? I'm alive, aren't I?

Are you? You don't seem like it to me. You seem like a walking corpse. You're a fucking zombie with the ability to type.

But there have been so many times in life where I have been within inches of collapse. And yet I never do.

But where has that gotten you? For all your extreme dedication and perseverance, what did you get? Where are you now?

I have been successful. At least I have made money... I can live comfortably for the rest of my life if I want.

And is that what you want?

How am I supposed to answer that. Or maybe, why should I even bother? I know what the answer is. If I wanted to just rest comfortably on what I have made thus far I would have done that. I cannot stand being static... I can't handle it.

Then why the fuck are you still sitting here?